Unsociable Media
There's been an anomalous flurry of friend requests. Have I done something spectacular to warrant this?
I currently have 333 friend requests, and I suspect there would be more if it weren't for the criteria I've set, namely that the only people who can send me Facebook friend requests are friends of friends.
Some requests are now six years old, but I'm under no illusion that those people are doing a daily check to see if their request has been accepted. However, across the past couple of weeks there has been something of an anomalous flurry of friend request activity. Is it that I've recently done something spectacular to warrant this? Have I suddenly become more attractive in some way? Absolutely not, on both counts.
So why the interest?
Christmas / New Year may all have played a part in this. Largely, people have more time on their hands and may be spending more of it scrolling through social media. They're being nudged and targeted by the almighty algorithm, and various profiles will be appearing to them as 'People You May Know' or 'New Friend Suggestion'.
Rest assured; I do not sit here in any judgemental Emperor Nero pose, thumb1 wavering between up and down. This is not rejection. I never delight in the idea that people want to be my social media friend, yet I don't accept their social media friendship. In fact I'm sure that the majority of requesters will have completely forgotten they’ve ever requested.
But if you're one of the requesters, and are curious, let me share a few of the reasons why I keep my friend list pretty short and sweet.
I have a public page for more general music-related content2
I sometimes post things on my private page that are only really intended for the 318 people that I know, or feel that I know.
It might be that the requester is 'friends' with someone I do not want to have a 'mutual' with. I no longer tolerate toxic people3, even at a distance.
As for Twitter/X (from which I do know I should liberate myself), I have recently made my tweets 'protected'.
"If you protect your posts, you’ll receive a request when new people want to follow you, which you can approve or deny."
Why did I protect my tweets? Because it was made abundantly clear to me that the content of my tweets was being relayed to someone that I had blocked. Have I rid myself of the flying monkey? Hopefully, unless the monkey is somebody who had already followed me, some kind of double agent, if you will. In that case, I'll smoke them out.
"Accounts that began following you before you protected your posts will still be able to view and interact with your protected posts unless you block them."
Yes, social media is rife with choppy waters and I often wonder if it's worth all the circumnavigation. As someone who (very) occasional creates music and therefore needs to publicise it, I have to have some level of visibility, a social media presence.
Random, wonderful things can occur in the social media space, and that’s the other reason I remain. It's an absolute bonus that by sailing around social media I get to discover interesting, and sometimes quite niche, accounts.
Fairly recently, I’ve become quite attached to a Twitter account that exists for the love of stiles4. This all breaks up the day, enriches a coffee break, and sometimes these connections become significantly more meaningful. I have met a number of good people through social media, that I otherwise would not have done.
These accounts - and people - bask in tranquil, glassy seas. If I unprotect my tweets or accept all Facebook friend requests, I risk drifting into the psychological equivalent of the Corryvreckan Whirlpool. Like George Orwell5, I would initially survive, but there might be consequences.
A former friend once 'ranted' on Facebook - their words, not mine - about blocking. To paraphrase them, they felt that blocking was evidence of 'cowardice', of 'failure', and of flexing of some sort of 'sad power'.
Ah, but I see blocking very differently. It's not the 1950s, when you could apparently leave your door not just unlocked, but open all day, happy for neighbours / burglars / whoever, to pop in to borrow a cup of sugar and then rifle under your mattress for fistfuls of 10 bob notes.
Blocking is just like locking a door. It really is that simple. You don't want just anybody wandering into your house. You may have decided there's something shady about that chap with the swag bag and stripy t-shirt, and so you've locked your door in a pre-emptive strike.
It might be that someone who was once welcome in your home outstayed that welcome, by using the last of your teabags and then deciding to smear excrement on the wall, for good measure. You show them the door. You lock it. That's blocking.
Today's earworm is Carly Simon's 'You're So Vain'. How about; 'You're so self-obsessed, you probably think this block is about you'? No, it is not about you, it's about me. My blocking is not punitive, rather it is all about creating and maintaining a space where I can enjoy a positive experience.
An American friend of mine was once fond of saying, 'Build a bridge and get over yourself.' She’s right. Move on. If we're done - believe me - we are done.
To err is human, to forgive divine, but it's impossible to forgive when there is no acknowledgement of ever having erred. If - and it's a big 'if' - there is even the slightest molecular level whiff of regret, it will often come in the form of a 'fauxpology'.
“Admitting that you’re at fault is traditionally a necessary ingredient in the apology… they don’t accept their error or the consequences that came from it. Fauxpologies even shift the blame to the person receiving the apology for having reacted in the way they did, insinuating that it may have been excessive.” - Dr Victoria Escandell Vidal.
This is coercion.
There are those who will say insulting things, do hurtful things, then wave a magic wand as if it never happened. But the magic wand doesn't work on the person they insulted or hurt. It's a one-way wand that only works for them. I call these folk 'Etch A Sketch People'.
Like a kid who has 'drawn' something ugly in Etch A Sketch and so then wants to start over, they believe they can just shake it all away and start again. Once you've seen them do the shake a few times, you cotton on. When they attempt a return on you, with their equivalent of a fresh Etch A Sketch, e.g. an email out of the blue with the intention of sucking you back in, or a (fresh) FB friend request they feel compelled to send, as they did actually hastily unfriend you in the heat of one of their moments, well, you're wise to them.
And now we move on to liars...
No, no, not really! (Although I could, I really could...). I'm riffing on a Father Ted-ism. Remember the episode where he wins a Golden Cleric Award and uses the occasion to unburden himself of all the grudges he's kept over the years, concerning those who have wronged him? That's the one.
You’ll be pleased to know that I will not be doing a Father Ted here. This isn't a thinly-veiled revenge post, rather the aim is to shed a little light on why I can come across as somewhat closed at times.
You may be a friend gatherer, a social media butterfly, a real 'hail fellow well met' type - and good for you, honestly - but for some of us, it's just not like that, so just give us a bit of space, a little understanding, and please, don't take it personally.
NOTES:
Although I would be very good ‘being Nero’, having distal hyperextensibility.
Read all about George Orwell’s experience of the Corryvreckan Whirlpool
Fabuously written and accurate, as always. I used to marvel (even way back in "MySpace" days) of how some people's sole aim was to get as many "friends" as possible, as if it held some kind of clout. I have a relatively tiny friends list on FarceBook and the majority are people I have met, or have interacted with in a tangible way. The list gets shorter as people break a trust or leave the platform. I've never once regretted a block or 'un-friend', and like to think I've learned or grown from each one.
When one talks of blocking on social media, I always fall back on the wisdom of Hookland: "Twitter is your pub. You set the door policy, you decide who gets barred and for what."