"My playing is over. Mein Spielen ist vorbei."
How anniversaries can spark existential realisation.
It was 37 years ago today that the All About Eve debut album was released. That sobering fact leaves me wondering, to paraphrase Sandy Denny, where on Earth the bloody time goes.
To be reminded of how many years have passed since the album was released has left me unsettled, and some of that discomfort arises from contemplating how much time I’ve spent not making music when I would have liked to have been making music.
At school, I did German A-level. One of our set texts was the 1842 novel “Die Judenbuche’, written by Annette von Droste-Hülshoff. (Hello Lesley!1). At one point in the story, one of the characters hands his rustic violin over to another, saying; “Mein Spielen ist vorbei, ich muß jezt Geld verdienen”, which translates as; “My playing is over, now I must earn money...”
Naturally, my Judenbuche moment would come, and when it did, it meant that for most of my adult life I would no longer have the luxury of being able to make music. I know there are others who make music prolifically and simultaneously manage to hold down jobs, but they are possessed of a whole different set of atoms to mine and their brains will be wired to enable them to do what I’ve not been able to do. We all have different energy levels.
After the initial success of All About Eve, record deals ended and day jobs began again, and music became something that others did. One of those day jobs lasted for 8 years, while I taught on Commercial Music and Songwriting degree courses at a University. It felt like I was passing on some kind of baton to younger, hungrier, more ambitious humans, and I got a lot of joy from it. However, as a perfectionist, it sucked the life out of me and left me as a husk to spend what time I wasn’t working on simply recovering. I’d recharge my batteries by going for walks or maybe just vegetating in front of Netflix. I had little energy to create music while I was spending most of my energy on teaching it. A busman’s holiday.
Today, thinking about All About Eve and how it was all such a long time ago, it seems ludicrous that following Scarlet And Other Stories - if you don’t count the refreshing splash of Raindrops back in 2006 - it took me and Tim 34 and a half years to release another album together.
Already it’s been 9 months since Apparitions was released. If we leave it another 34 years before we release our next album, that will mean I’ll be 96 when it gets released.
Typing that out has absolutely petrified me.
I might actually be having an epiphany as I write this.
It’s happening LIVE!!!
The sudden realisation that the debut album was released almost four decades ago has sent me into a spin, not least because I’ve recently been scrumping dangerous fruits from that gnarly old tree of knowledge, with “The birth and death of meaning; an interdisciplinary perspective on the problem of man” by Ernest Becker being a particularly tart and tangy find. The book has reintroduced me to the concept of existential crisis2, and has made me suspect that I’m experiencing that right now. I’m not at all sure that it’s healthy to be fixating upon existentialism. It’s possibly even less healthy to be reading around thanatophobia3 and TMT4 (Terror Management Theory).
Sometimes you need to get out of your head, and I don’t mean ‘intoxicated’ by any substance, but just to escape your own overthinking. Of course, I’ve researched and read about how to deal with this, and the same things come up, time and time again. Practice mindfulness. Try meditation. Keep a journal. Distract yourself - All easier typed than done.
What’s the cure? It might just be that it’s making music. So how do I find the time to do that? Maybe if I were to stop spending so much time reading about existentialism, thanatophobia and terror management theory, that would be a start.
While I’ve been writing this, I’ve heard background notifications pinging as people have left warm, kind, funny and heartwarming comments on social media posts I’ve made about the debut album’s anniversary. I’ve stopped to read them and been gladdened to learn that the album still very much matters to people. Its anniversary evokes fond memories. It gives some ‘goosebumps’ and others ‘joy’. Some think it’s ‘still awesome’ and it has a ‘special place’ in the hearts of some.
These comments - and if you’re one of the posters, thank you - are reminding me of how I have felt about the music of others and what it has meant to me, the psychological lows it’s lifted me out of, and conversely, the backdrop it’s provided to more joyful experiences. Recently I’ve been listening more than usual to the great musical loves of my most formative years. Pink Floyd, Simple Minds, Japan, Ultravox (John Foxx era), Kate Bush, The Cure etc. It has been medicinal. It has done for me what I hope I’ve done for you, in some small way.
Perhaps my playing isn’t over…
Postscript: For various reasons, this piece of music can rescue me - almost always - from any depths my psyche and I might plummet to. One reason may be that it’s just inherently brilliantly uplifting; another might be that it reminds me of such a carefree time when life was stretching out in front of me, with all its promise. I imagine it’s a mixture of both.
Vielleicht mein Spielen ist NICHT vorbei.
“Lesley” - A shoutout to one of my longest standing friends (deserving of a medal) who did that German A-Level with me.
“Existential Crisis” - According to Britannica.com, “A period of inner conflict during which a person is distraught over questions about identity, meaning, and purpose.”
“Thanatophobia” - Extreme fear of death and/or the dying process
“Terror Management Theory” - Where people may feel threatened by their sense of mortality and so adopt strategies that allow them to give their lives meaning.
It's a classic album and one of which I hope you are very proud. I never managed to see you perform live - I moved from the UK to NZ around the time of Scarlet, and didn't return for almost 20 years. Perhaps, one day, with luck, that might be something I can rectify? All the best, though, with whatever you choose to do - you have made many people (myself included) happy with your music.
Such a beautiful album. I saw you at the Albert Hall around the time of the Scarlet album. Wonderful gig. And yet another gorgeous album!